Where to find me now

 Hello.  I know it's obvious that I don't use this blog anymore.  I just wanted to let anyone who may read this to know where to find me now.  I am currently writing in a wordpress blog that can be found at alansmom.life.  I am also posting songs and videos on my YouTube channel that can be found by searching "Lisa Bender Music" or at this link: Lisa's YouTube Channel.  

My life has changed tremendously since I used to write in this blog.  Jim and I now have three boys.  Our middle son is Henry and our youngest, Alan, has significant special needs.  Thanks for caring!  God bless.

Thoughts on Marriage

Hello, friend.

Life has been good as of late.  "Thanks, God.  You are so nice to me.  I know You are Good and Kind even when life is hard, but I just want to thank you that I really can't think of anything in my life that is altogether horrible, or even crummy.  Sure, there are hard or stressful moments just being a mom, but I am so surrounded with blessings, even and especially including that adorable little guy who refused to take his nap today."

One thing that helps my general well being so much is when Jim and I are doing good.  We had a little rough patch for a few days last weekend, but now that that has blown over, my life is a happy one.  So much of my day-to-day happiness hinges on how well my marriage is going.  That might sound like a lot of pressure on the marriage, but I don't think it's an altogether bad thing. 

Our marriage norm after nearly 4 years now is "Good!  Great!"  But man, when things aren't good, it sure is depressing.  I have a hard time waiting out the storms when they come.  I feel very urgent about solving conflict, and sometimes this just causes more conflict, especially when tiredness and exhaustion are playing heavily into a conflict.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is just go to sleep, but I have a hard time going to sleep when things seem off.  Slowly, very slowly, I'm learning to have a more patient, long-term view of things.  Slowly, I'm learning how to sleep off the rough edges of a fight. 

I'm so thankful to have a husband who is good to me and cares about my emotions.  I kind of have a lot of them.  He may not always meet my sense of urgency at solving conflict and he may be grouchy sometimes, but just give the guy a decent night's sleep and he is very easy to be married to.  : ) 

Relationships are fascinating to me.  That's probably why I can't shake my embarrassing "Bachelor" addiction.  Relationships, marriage... they are not for the weak.  If you are weak, as we all are to some degree, getting married might actually be really good for you, assuming you and your spouse are both committed to God and to making it work.  Marriage, when it is a healthy one, has a way of helping us to face ourselves, get over ourselves and grow up.  It's also a lot of fun to have someone to share life with, generally speaking.  The fights are not fun, but growing through them is very grounding, humbling, and good.

That's what I think, anyways.  I know there are as many opinions on marriage as there are marriages, so I'm really just describing what it's been like for me lately.  If you are in a relationship or marriage full of struggle, know that I am sympathetic to that too and would love to pray for you. 

Jim and I struggled a lot through our first year and a half of marriage.  It took us that long to basically figure each other out, come up with some good strategies for dealing with each other, and figure out that we needed to be intentional about having quality time together, especially time reading the Bible and praying together.  Since that time, we've been mostly good with a healthy amount of conflict scattered in for flavor (it's easy to say that when I'm not in the middle of a conflict..).

I'm all for honesty, so no matter what season you are in relationally, I hope you are able to be completely honest with at least a few trusted friends.  Relationships go through different seasons and sometimes it's well worth waiting out the season of hard to get to or get back to the season of good.  I hope you are in or on your way to a season of good, friend.  Keep seeking and trusting God, no matter the season, and pray that I may do the same.  Whoever you are reading this, I most likely love you (this is not a popular blog), and thanks for reading!

Starting a New Life

Wow, it has been a long time.  But here I am, at it again!!  : )

So, since I last wrote here, my little boy has grown into what I'm going to call a big baby.  He's still a baby and doesn't quite walk yet (he is on his own schedule, not the typical one!), but he's not the same type of thing as a little bitty baby.  He gets around the house on all fours at high speeds and has his own language that can be quite expressive and he communicates quite well.  He's my little buddy, who amazingly gets more adorable every day.  How, I do not know!

Also, my dad offered my husband a job working at his company in my home town, Lincoln, Nebraska, and after much prayer and talking it through, we decided to go for it!  We decided in late February and with God's help, sold our house ourselves and found our new house in Lincoln in one weekend of house shopping!  It all went amazingly well and helped to confirm that we were on the right track.

Life has been pretty crazy for the past four months.  Those of you who really know me will understand just how crazy when I tell you that the last time I worked on a song of my own was March 3!  And tonight is finally the night that Jim and I decided I needed to finally GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and do something for me.  I've been having some amazing and much needed "Lisa time" here at Meadowlark (very fitting coffee shop for me since my former studio was called Meadowlark Music Studio, and still will be once I get back to teaching)!

What does "Lisa time" consist of?  Precisely this: one chai tea latte, a bumblebee bar (yum), journaling, listening to a nice band, talking to band members afterward, reading a few chapters in 3 different books, tonight on spiritual topics mainly, filling a blank piece of paper with free association thoughts, reading a bunch of other people's blogs, and then writing my own blog post consisting of a synopsis of my life as of late and my free association thoughts.  Oh, yeah, so here they are:

July 5, 2014

I want more of life, more of love, more of Truth.  I'm starting a new life here, though I'm not breaking with my past, but only taking the next step up the winding staircase of God's will for me and in me.

Listen closely... can you hear all the chaotic, raining pieces falling into place... clink, clink, clicking, slowly becoming ordered objects, useful and clean?  This is my dream becoming reality.  This is why I've been working so hard, so relentlessly. 

I want people who enter my house to enter ordered beauty, simple, plain and honest.  I want them to sense the open hearts that live inside the walls; the ones with beating hearts who work to keep their lives correctly prioritized.

I want to dare, to courageously choose to live differently, purposefully, clearly.  I want to work at it, undaunted by short-term failures and flaws, unafraid of perfection as well as imperfection, recognizing that each has its place in the grand design of life and truth, and acknowledge that appearances can be a means of deception.  I want to reject all forms of deception and embrace humility, daily repentance, dependence on God, and open-armed living, balanced with times of rest, reflection and prayer.

Life with Baby

Hi.  It's me.  I'm still here, I just haven't had much time for blogging lately.

My little Dean Christian is 6 months old, and doing very well.  Praise God!  I am... doing good.  How can I explain how changed I feel, how very different my life is from the last time I wrote.  How is life with a baby?

Busy
Tired
Happy
Cute
Awesome
Frustrating
Soar and achy
Hungry
Blessed
Beautiful
Stressful

I told Jim the other day, my days with Dean and then teaching lessons can be physically and mentally exhausting, but they are most always emotionally rewarding, especially now that Dean smiles so much.  My back and shoulders always ache at the end of the day from carrying him around so much and bending over to change many a diaper, but my heart is full of happy, having gotten to take care of the cutest baby in the world (I'm biased, but seriously, you should see him) and see his little smile that eats his face.  I don't deserve such a great kid.  He is wonderful and I'm so blessed to be his mommy.

Today was a bit of a hard day.  Hard days are not that uncommon.  Today was hard not because of Dean so much, but because of a little marital conflict.  Balancing all the demands of life with baby can take a toll on our marriage at times.  But honestly, I don't think we're fighting much more than we did before baby, it just is a little harder to deal with sometimes because you don't have as much time to just hash things out because there's a little someone who always needs attending to and it's hard to get into deep and meaningful conversations with him around.

I don't want you to worry too much about me and Jim, I just feel like being perfectly honest.  Sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes I feel sad about the way things are.  I'm guessing life will continue on and better days will come, Lord willing.  I know I ought to try and focus on all the good things, so many good things... oh, Lord, why do I get so stuck on the downer emotions sometimes?  And why did I have to get a traffic ticket on my way here, when this is the first time I've had some me time since Dean was born?  Is today really the day I need to learn to pay attention to ridiculously low speed limits?  25 miles per hour?  Does anyone really drive that slow on Lamar?

I digress.  Sorry.

Well, I better get myself home.  I'm glad tomorrow is Sunday.  I'm glad for this time to actually process my life a bit, even if things are slightly less than perfect.  Hope your life is going well these days, friend.  Thanks for reading and for caring.  It's nice to know somebody somewhere someday will probably read this.  : )

Almost there

Wow, I'm actually blogging!  This is the first time since my last post that I have felt at liberty to blog.  I always blog here at Homer's Coffeehouse, and over the past few months I haven't had a chance to just sit and enjoy this reflective time.  Things have been busy!  Very good, but busy.

I've still kept my journal up to date (I am addicted to journaling), I've just neglected to keep you all (all 3 of you?) up to date.  It's true, I'm not much of a blogger, but I enjoy it when I get around to it. 

Why so busy?  Well, the biggest time eater has been the various activities that fall under the category of "preparing for motherhood."  Here's a list of the big ticket items:

• Buying a crib & changing table off craigslist (brand new for $150!)
• Researching and purchasing a car seat (Diono Radian RXT)
• Buying an Eddie Bauer stroller/car seat travel system off craigslist (slightly used for $60!)
• Reading lots of books on pregnancy & childbirth ("What to Expect When You're Expecting," "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way," "Husband Coached Childbirth," "The Official Lamaze Guide," & "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth")
• Organizing the nursery (got TONS of hand-me-down clothes and toys, books and etc. from my sisters, my mom, and several friends)
• Attending 3 baby showers (Enns ladies, church & Bender ladies, and teacher co-workers at Jim's school - SUPER nice!!)
• Writing thank-you cards
• Attending doctor visits
• Choosing a pediatrician
• Buying maternity clothes so I can continue to wear clothes (NECESSITY, not luxury)

 There's more, but you get the idea.  Anyone out there hoping to get pregnant in the future, just know that you will have a few more things on your plate, so don't expect to be able to do everything you did before you were pregnant.  I'm not complaining though since this is exactly what I wanted so badly.  This little boy is a tremendous blessing who I can't wait to meet!

Speaking of waiting... I have been pregnant now for 39 weeks and 4 days.  I really was not prepared for how impatient I would feel at this point.  I think I was doing pretty good about it until last Sunday.  I started having some regular contractions and I totally thought I would have a baby in the next day or 2.  I was so excited!  I was rushing around trying to get everything ready before the contractions got really bad... but then they just faded away.

Monday was a hard day and I've had some hard moments of realizing that this little boy may not be on the verge of ready after all.  Waiting for your first baby is such agonizing anticipation!  There's nothing I can think of that I've anticipated like this little boy's arrival, and it's made worse by the fact that I don't know when it's going to happen!  It could be tonight, or it could be in a week and a half!  How torturous!!  But I know it will eventually happen, and I will only vaguely remember the agony of waiting, being so caught up in being a mom for the first time.

I know this is a pretty obvious statement, but I think that often the hardest part of waiting is surviving that period of time that comes right before the thing you are waiting for finally happens.  It's like time slows down the closer you get to an anticipated event.  "A watched pot never boils" is the old saying.  It's hard not to watch the pot when you know it's just about time for it to be boiling, especially when the boiling is going to turn your whole world upside down in ways you've only dreamed of.

I remember struggling through the waiting of finding my husband.  I wrote a song called "Winding Staircase" in the spring of my twenty-sixth year, reflecting on the winding path my life had taken and how I wanted so badly to be able to see around the next corner, hoping it would finally bring a less muddled love life.  Little did I know that I had already met my future husband, I just didn't know it.  I was teaching him piano lessons every Saturday morning and had no idea that he was so awesome and would eventually casually say, "We should hang out sometime" and change my life forever.

And now I wait for my first child, my son, and too easily I forget that he's right there inside of me!  I'm waiting to hold him and see him, yes, but this is a dream that has already come true on so many levels.  I feel him pushing his feet against me, feel him shifting around, and responding to what I'm eating.  He makes his presence known.  He is already my son, though he has yet to breathe his first breath of air. 

I wonder when he will finally make his grand entrance into the broader world.  I wonder what my birth experience will be like.  Well do I know that it can range from wonderful and exhilarating to miserable, endless and discouraging.  But at the end, Lord willing, there will be a baby, and I know that the experience of meeting him for the first time will be wonderful, no matter the events that preceded.  I guess I'll just keep taking my walks, praying and trusting that it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

On a different note, I am happy to say that I have also been preoccupied lately with a new music therapy client!  In addition to the weekly sessions at the nursing home, I now have a client who comes to my home studio!  This has been so exciting for me and I've really enjoyed working with her.  She is a sweet little girl with lots of challenges and a strong spirit and I feel so privileged to get to be a part of her life.  I stopped my lessons and therapy last Saturday, at almost 39 weeks, figuring that the baby would be here soon anyway, so hopefully he will come soon!  I'm not used to having so much free time.  I'll try to use it well and enjoy it.

One last thing I have to mention: please pray for my niece, Crystal.  She has recently been diagnosed with Juvenile Nephronophthisis, meaning that she will need a kidney transplant in the future, and she will have to have lots of shots and be watched closely in the meantime.  Please pray for strength for her and her family, and for healing and protection.  She is such a sweet and talented teenager and this is a lot to handle.  From all accounts, she is handling it very well so far and relying on God.

I hope you are doing well, friend.  Thanks for reading my thoughts and happenings.  Take care.

Progress

Hello, friend.  I'm very thankful to say that the past month and a half have been filled with growth; physically, in my business, and in my heart.

Physically, I weigh more and I've had to update my pant selection two times.  I've found that not all maternity pants are created equal and you can actually outgrow some of them.

Business wise, I am so relieved to say that I have acquired my first music therapy gig!  I now do weekly music therapy with a group of seniors at a local retirement center.  This has been so rewarding for me.  I worked so hard on my masters and I'm very passionate about music therapy, and even though I have been using my therapy skills while teaching my two students with autism, it isn't technically fully music therapy because the goal for those students is to expose them to music, not to work on a non-musical goal, as requested by their parents.

For the past year or so I've had this little nagging voice in the back of my head, mocking me for spending all that time and money on a masters degree I'm not even using professionally, and now it's mostly gone!  And I'm happy to say this is a decent-paying gig.  I couldn't have earned this much for one hour of work before getting my masters.  "Praise God from whom all blessings flow."  It's a somewhat small thing, but it's very big to me.

My heart... my heart has been more blessed than I can say, with the realization of what's happening inside of me.  I'm getting all of these wonderful little kicks that are getting stronger by the week, and, well, I never realized how much I've wanted to be a mom someday, deep down inside, until now.  I think I never let myself consider how much I wanted this because for so long I wasn't sure if I would get to be one.  Until you've found that right guy, it's pretty pointless to think too much about wanting to be a mom, at least that's how I felt.  And then we had the two miscarriages and it all seemed like a far-off dream.

But now it's all really happening, and Lord willing, I will have the life-changing experience of going from Lisa, wife to Lisa, wife and mother of a little boy!  I can't really take it in.  How is it that God has chosen to use me and Jim to create a new life?  How is such a miracle and privilege possible?  I'm so amazed at how little I have to do with the whole process.  There have been a few adjustments in being pregnant, but mostly I just go about business as usual, and somehow, a new person who has never been before is being created inside of me, hidden from the eye, and hidden from human understanding.

Who can truly understand these miracles of God?  He is the creative genius behind all things living.  I am so excited to meet this little boy and so honored to have been chosen to be his mom.  I'm not deserving of this honor, but I trust that God will enable Jim and I to raise him well, to the degree that we continue to rely on Him.

My heart has also had the recent opportunity to grow through the experience of leading worship at our church.  Our worship director, Jason, has this great attitude about volunteers and was willing to seek out a few of us willing to lead, in order to build up our leadership skills and also in order to have some people who can fill in for him on the rare occasion that he has to be gone.  I've led worship before in college for a smallish weekly gathering, but this was my first time leading worship for a church service.  It was a huge honor and blessing.  I really enjoyed it and learned a lot.

That's about it from me, except to mention that I'm very thankful for Jim.  We still have our occasional skirmish, but we're really in a great place overall.  I'm amazed at how much better we are at working through conflict than we used to be.  I love him so much, and I know I'm so lucky to have him.  I mean, he made me pancakes on my birthday and gave me about the best gift I've ever gotten: a journal with a long entry to me, explaining that he wants to use the journal to write me a monthly note of appreciation.  He seriously knows me well because that's the best gift I never would have thought to ask for!  So, basically, he's awesome and our relationship is stronger than ever, all praise to God.

Happy December!

Mostly free association

Uncertain, seeking words, searing truth, simple beauty
Warm chai, chilly October,
Clearing my mind of wifely duties -
cleaning the floors, the fridge -
that never let up,
of groceries that may or may not need to be bought,
of coupons that may or may not need to be cut,
Uncertainty, uneasy edge, compromised digestion,
I trade you for peace, joy, wonder, inspiration, engagement

Three and a half months pregnant
Thankful, so thankful for the heartbeat I heard
at the doctor's office,
so strong, so amazing, so not my own
Strangely thankful, for pants that do not fit,
for sluggishness, for less productivity;
for these minor adjustments are making room for a new life,
a unique, new person!
Oh, little person, I felt you move a little today,
when I was singing and playing my guitar,
a song I wrote two years ago around this time
for your oldest sibling,
who never grew as big and strong as little you,
but who will always be a part of me, and of you
That song has now been redeemed and I sing it now for you,
wondering at this storyline I'm living in

God is so good!
He who hears the cry of the needy,
and does not despise their songs and offerings,
because He sees and knows whose heart fears and loves Him,
and regards such hearts and such offerings with favor,
even above the offerings of the rich
and the talents of the most gifted artists
He knows the hearts of men
and judges them and their offerings accordingly
Oh, Lord, keep my heart steadfast and wholly yours,
no matter what

Lord God, please call me your own,
please shelter me under your wings,
please bless the efforts of my weary hands,
lifting my eyes from the dust and stress,
the fights and dirty dishes,
up to the patch of blue in the sky,
calling me to run through it
Carry me through for today, Lord
I will run again when you send me the strength,
Today, please carry me through,
and make my feet light and my face to shine

Uncertain, uneasy, now thankful, now resting again