Life is full of big decisions, or so it seems today. I haven't had to make a really big one in a little while, but now I've got one looming on the horizon, and I'm feeling that familiar unsettled feeling. I remember feeling this way when I was trying to decide where to go to college. I remember feeling this way right before and right after getting engaged (but thankfully, it had gone completely away by the time I actually walked the aisle! I did pick a good guy after all).
This time, the decision is about whether or not to take a full time music therapy position when I have built my music studio up to 16 students, but have not gotten nearly as many music therapy clients as I would like. First of all, I should mention that even posing this question is immensely presumptuous at this point because they haven't even offered me the job, and there is a very good chance they won't. I interviewed for the job last week and I should know on Friday. I know they had at least 5 other music therapists apply. If I don't get the job, that will answer my question for me. But going through this process has gotten me thinking.
I wonder, why am I stressing about this? At first I was excited about it, but lately I've been feeling like "What am I doing? I've got a good thing going here, so why throw in more work than I can handle?" I would probably want to try and keep as many of my students as I could, but that would make my schedule really crazy. And Lisa's don't do crazy-busy well. Lisa's can handle crazy busy for short periods of time, but no more. I need to journal, to take walks, to work on songs, and cook weird things... it's part of my DNA. But maybe it wouldn't be all that bad. I wish I could see into the future!
The good thing is, I'm praying about it, and others are praying for me. I know God will direct me to where He wants me. How could I ever make these decisions if not for that? I know whatever happens, it will all work out for good, to the glory of God, as long as I keep seeking Him first.
I think this has been hard for me because I have never worked a full-time, grown up job before (Hy-Vee, Walmart and para educating count to some degree, but this would actually be in the field I studied). I'm used to teaching music lessons and managing my own small business. I enjoy it and I feel like I'm good at it, and it's very much under my control. And I have enough free time to cook, keep the house clean and cut coupons, work on a few songs and play the occasional open mic night. I like my life, even though I get frustrated at times that my studio is growing slowly. I'm seeing rays of light at the end of the tunnel and I really think if I just keep going with my plans, the students and clients will come.
I like my life. This past month Jim and I even made significantly more than we spent too! Things have been improving, so do I really even need to take this job? No, Lis, probably not. But... it's only 10 minutes away and it does sound pretty cool, and my income tends to drop in the summer, so something stable would be nice. I could probably figure out the scheduling issues, even if I couldn't keep all of my students.
I talked to another private practice music therapist the other day and she advised me to not give up on my studio yet. She even said she would send some referrals my way. But is it o.k. for me to want to work only out of my home, even though I don't have kids, in this modern era? Is it o.k. if I want to keep an organized home and cook for my husband and just work as much as I can at my slowly growing business while pursuing more business as I have time? I feel like that makes me lazy, even though I know I am not. I want to build up my ability to work from home so that when we have or adopt kids, I won't be tied to a job that requires me to be away from my kids for 40 hours a week. I'm working towards an ideal... but I'm kind of scared of being judged for not fitting into the typical modern-woman mold. I feel like I am expected to work outside of the home.
Thoughts, anyone?
Lisa, I have many similar thoughts about what we, as women, are supposed to do. And also about what we, as people with music therapy degrees, are supposed to do. The real world is much different than school and I have finally just decided that it is *okay* if I don't want to be a music therapist. But I still struggle with the idea that I want to be a homemaker too. It used to be expected for women to be homemakers, but now it is almost looked down upon. We are supposed to be strong modern women, and for some reason working from home and and working to keep up the home is seen as weak. Why do we care so much what everyone else thinks?
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kristin. Good thoughts. I agree that we shouldn't associate not working outside of the home as somehow being "lesser" or "weak." Actually, I think it's a great privilege. Lot's of women don't have the option because they either are single, single parents, or their income is vital. But if that's not the case for us and we have the option, I think we shouldn't feel pressured to chose one or the other because of what others will think. Our husband has a say, but not too many others.
ReplyDeletePart of it for me is understanding what it means to be a wife. If I were single, there would be no question - I would work as much as I could and be very career-minded. But as a wife, there are a lot of things I can do to keep the house running efficiently that are valuable, and if we want to have kids someday, there's something to say for creating a good home atmosphere from the start. That's what I think. : )